“If you want more love, why don’t you say so? Just say so.” – ‘Heartbreak Warfare‘ by John Mayer
Why don’t we just say so? What is it about the games we play – the tete-a-tete of ‘I love them but I’ll be damned if I let it show’ that is spreading through the world and within us?I remember stories my grandparents told me of a time where a man looked at a woman across the street and thought she was the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on and then proceeding to move hell or high water just to get to know her. Never shying away from how he felt, never playing coy. And, most times, the woman embracing the attention and respecting him for being open, honest, bare and finding the courage to do the same.
This is just one example. It could be anyone; woman pursuing man, or woman, and man pursuing man, or woman. Everyone open, honest, and just embracing the feelings growing within them and loving completely. Wasting no time! Now it’s a chess game of ‘I can’t reply yet, I’ll look desperate’ but then crying in bed, or writing them off for being immature when the message receiver in question does the same.
‘Heartbreak warfare’ is such a powerful phrase because it is warfare. It is a battle between two people who want to come out on top. Why? What does that achieve except heartbreak, mistrust, and broken pride? Hardly the recipe for a healthy relationship. When has warfare ever resulted in anything but pain and suffering? And yet here we are making it the instruction manual to love. And it’s a wonder why more often than not, modern relationships don’t last. Maybe this is why arranged marriages are more successful in comparison – nobody gets the chance to play these games, and to make sure both parties live the best life possible they embrace the marriage and chose to be open and honest.
When did the truth become such taboo? And when did love start with steps and conditions?
It takes so long for us to trust one another to have the conversations that make a relationship grow, and sometimes if we wait too long it’s too late. Either the conversation becomes an argument because of all the pent up emotions just bursting at the seams, or your partner feels like the trust they’ve been building with you was based on a lie. It’s a painful realisation knowing that the person you’ve been investing time and effort into getting to know in the hopes of something more concrete and permanent in the future just hasn’t been courageous enough to try maybe as hard as you have. Worse still if you find out that the both of you have been pussyfooting around the hard conversations until they’re simply impossible to ignore!
I have to use Fifty Shades of Grey as an analogy here because of the worldwide phenomenon it has become, mostly because of the very small glimpse into dom/sub and the bdsm lifestyle it has showcased. Now, the books and the movie are not an instruction manual into such a lifestyle. For the most part, it doesn’t work like that. I’m no expert in the field either but I’ve read and researched the lifestyle in enough detail to know what it’s not.
At its core the attraction to such a lifestyle is the complete and utmost trust. The knowledge that you both give yourself to one another one hundred percent. There is no embarrassment, no judgement, and you’re both completely at ease when leaning on one another. It’s the only way it can work. You trust your partner to not go too far, to know that they can say it’s too much or not enough. You both allow each other the space to go at your own pace and to help one another grow. To love each other. There’s obviously variations into the lifestyle; whether you’re hardcore kink or just dabbling, but that’s the crux of it. Why can’t that be the basis of most other relationships? I’m not saying that no relationship ever has this kind of foundation, but I will admit quite boldly that it’s getting rarer by the day.
Be open. Be honest. Be willing to love.
If you want to open yourself up to it, let yourself fall. Leave the parachute at home, and your doubts by the door before you walk through into the world of love and relationships. You’ll find that if you approach it with honesty and humility, you’ll receive that and more in return.